Spare parts

Most assume- that the first born child is the most spoiled or treasured. As a first born I can deny all these allegations.. haha (yeah).

Formative years really are significant. No matter how we try as adults to deny this. The way we were handled as a child and if that behavior continues later on when we grow up, it makes for varied issues and problems.

For me- I am the spare child, the one only good enough when my sibling is not acting accordingly. I know this. I have known this for years.

I have been to therapy- still going to therapy- probably will be my whole life. But some hurts will never fade, no coping mechanisms will ever guide that shit to normalisy. It hurts. It will continue to hurt. And I keep working and working and hoping with all my might that the hurt will lessen overtime..

When I hear my mother complain and whine about the loss of my sister and making sure with her actions and words that I know – I am the spare- and when I try carefully to point this out, that it hurts me- that she hurts me- all I get is laughing.

She is laughing literally in my face- saying I am wrong- she is the mother all want. If I have any problems they are not hers, but solely mine. Her focus is my sibling. Always was and is and continue.

Why I keep going?

Several reasons.. most of them are emotional. We all want to belong. We want a foundation. And when this is missing from the start and no matter how you fight in live throughout- it shapes.

And it forms insecurities- that you will notice and encounter your whole adult life. And only a select few can understand you or want to take the time to.

But it is lonely. It is daunting, it is confronting. And no matter how many hours spent in therapy- the question- why don’t they love me. Will never be answered. They just don’t.

Me? I always tried to make my family proud. Be the best in my education (I was)- be the best financially (I was). And guess what? It was never enough. I- will never be enough. Whatever my sibling is doing or not for that matter will always be more desired than anything I could ever accomplish.

I- will never be enough for my parents. I will always be the spare child. And that shapes, it hurts. And it made its way to a shit storm to navigate.

When you are not loved- not wanted- only when another is lacking- to those who should love you and accept you unconditionally- how to sail through that shit storm in life?

I am still learning and probably continu to do so.

And hopefully – not with time – because that I had plenty of – but with fucking something – at some point in my life I will find acceptance in this.

They say that for ten years they tried to have me. And then they have. And this is what you do with that. It is mind boggling to be honest. I can’t and will never relate. But- I do have to find some corner in this life- that I can finally say okay.. okay.

Hopefully I’ll get there and rather sooner than later.