Nobody tells you..

Nobody tells you how fucking hard it is to be a older sibling- especially when your younger sibling becomes an addict.

I always knew she was adventurous and the I will try anything type- whereas I am more cautious and missing that kind of adventurous streak.

During the years I often asked her this- if it was a turn off for her the way that I am and the way that she is- and she always denied it. So that little voice in the back of my mind trying to emerge- was buried again and again- after her validations. I always knew better though..

15 years ago when she first started trying drugs, it was recreational. It scared me, especially when it became mdma/xtc. Cause in my mind- how do you ever really know what the fuck is in it. What if it’s made wrong? That is just how I work. She obviously doesn’t share the same woes. And always made fun of me for having them or blatantly call me on mine and letting me know to mind my own fucking business- if I want to be a bore fine- but I have no right to put her in her place for having fun.

I didn’t want to put her in her place- I was scared. But this was and isn’t perceived that way.

After trying it all- somewhere, two years ago, everything went sideways..

She became a full on addict. Nothing recreational about it anymore. But daily use. Slowly but surely my sister disappeared right before my eyes. And nothing I tried- calmly, worriedly, lovingly or with anger seemed to work. It was and is talking to a brick wall made up and hold by her own beliefs.

She hates me, she hates me when I say I worry, she hates me when I say I want more for her, she hates me for loving her, she hates me when I am there, she hates me when I am not.

I always had her on a pedestal. Not for expectations- but just for who she was. I loved her so fucking much. Still do, but now I know that the sister I love is gone. And will never be back.

Everybody who has dealt with a loved one who is addicted knows it feels like there are versions of your loved one. And for very long- I always thought, tried- to believe that if she was willing to fight she could come back to herself for herself- not for me, but for her.

Now I know this is such wishful thinking. She said to me that she has accepted this is her live, this is who she is, and I am in the fucking wrong for not accepting this. How the fuck can I? How can anybody? I asked her if the tables were turned- and she was in my position- if she would be accepting of this. All that met me was her silence.

I don’t think people who don’t use, people like me, can ever understand this. I tried, I read all I could about addiction- talked to counselors and NA- how to navigate this for and with her. And they all basically said the same thing- change will only happen when they are ready. They will not hear you until they are ready, they will not give it up for you. They feel it is theirs- hoard it even, and anybody not on board with it will become enemy no.1.

And she made me very clear that is exactly what I am to her now. I don’t even hear her anymore. I hear her voice- but my sister is gone. Someone else took place. And it feels like I am mourning someone who is still here. And I fucking miss her. I miss her so much..